Wonkette
Say “hi” to our fancy new intern, Malaka Gharib. She writes a crazy restaurant thing for the D.C. Examiner, and also does production at Al Jazeera in Washington, and has this crazy food blog too. And she will be writing about all of those types of things, and also music and movies and etc. Hooray!
- Friday, Jan. 23: What happens when Iranians use the internet? Nothing much, cuz they’re censored out of everything. Find out why at the screening of documentary Head Wind at the Freer Gallery, 7PM. And of course, the film is banned in Tehran. [Eventful]
- Friday, Jan. 23-Sunday, Jan. 25: The Jameson Comedy Tour is in town, featuring Danny Bevins, Michael Loftus, Pete Correale and Billy Gardell. You may have never heard of them, but Correale has a comedy show on Sirius Radio that’s rated second to Howard Stern, who owns Sirius Radio. At the DC Improv Comedy Club, show times vary. [DC Improv Comedy Club]
- Sunday, Jan. 25: Freak yourself out by attending the premiere of The Warning, a documentary about how Bush screwed up real bad and now it’s Obama’s problem. 8PM at Busboys and Poets. [Busboys and Poets]
- Thursday, Jan. 29: Irving Berlin’s I Love a Piano opens Thursday at 7:30 PM at the Lincoln Theatre. If you were really into “Mary Poppins” and “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” as a kid, you might like this, but watch this video montage first so you know what you’re getting yourself into. [Lincoln Theatre]
And Malaka Gharib to you, too.
Where did Malaka come from? What does he/she/it/Ken Layne want from us?
Who is Malaka Gharib?
They will never be free until we give them internet cafes with really expensive coffee! Don’t worry. I think this is on Obama’s “things to do in my first 100 days” list.
THEY HAVE TOLD US.
Welcome Malaka. LEAD US.
…wait a second, I thought Ronald Reagan killed all the Iranian with his bare hands and used their skin to make his personal condoms! Who will the Republicans worship now?!?!
Oh. Writes for Examiner. Okay.
I was hoping for something more scandalous and sexy, and less here is $2.50 per 1,000 page views, but okay.
tunamelt: shortsshortsshorts: …Malaka Gharib is Malia Obama’s Mooslim name!
shortsshortsshorts: So is she replacing Juli(e)?
When I hit someone else’s car in Grand Theft Auto, they call me a “Malaka”. This isn;t the same thing, is it?
buttsecks?
Nobody is replacing Juli! Malaka is an *addition* to the Wonkette staff box, not a replacement.
Uh..hi.
Hiya. I like food, too. Welcome!
(You’re wrong about Papa Beard though. Those cream puffs rocked, at least at the location where I ate ‘em.)
Ken Layne: Despite our protests to the contrary, apparently we all fear the fuck out of CHANGE!
Wait- wait… what is this? Change?
Ok, three days in and Obama is really overstepping. Now he’s meddling in Wonkette?
Suddenly, I have an *addition* in my staff box. Also.
Oh, yeah. Pix, please.
I’m very interested to hear your fancy hobo bean recipes.
i don’t think it would be banned if they let yo yo ma write the score and kanye west gets to sing all of the songs.
kinky-neo-con: You know we can verify such claims nowadays
I don’t know if I want to see The Warning now or just wait until the whole George W. Bush Fuckuppery Film Festival goes on tour and I can watch all 3,000 hours of documentaries about what an awful, hellish parade of incompetence, greed and toxic sludge the last eight years have been. Or I could just chisel out the part of my brain that — you know — remembers stuff.
Oh, and welcome to Wonkette, Malaka!
Idk about this one. I went to her blog, did a search for “anal” and got zero hits.
Hmmmm.
Ken Layne: What the fug?! You’re hiring at Wonkette? That is so un-American.
Rodney Badger: With a name like “Malaka Gharib” she’ll be our next president.
Welcome Malaka! The Christmas Eve dinner looks fantastic! I’m hoping you drink alcohol, so as to fit in here?
I fear we are headed toward an international incident. And by “fear” I mean “hope.” That’s all the rage now anyway, right?
So am I to understand that I didn’t get tapped for the Head Writer In Charge of Gittin’ Er Done job? This is bullshit piled upon more bullshit and I am LIVID, also.
Welcome to the Dark Side. We have cookies.
Welcome.
Hello Malaka Gharib, if that is your real, we need to chat about your alt texting.
Well, the alfredo sauce recipe sounds good, so welcome aboard.
HA HA! I just went to one of Malaka’s 5,000 blogs. The first post was tips on how best to show off your tits. She’ll do just fine. . .
JeffGoldblum: It’s not Ken Layne’s fault you are fail encased in pork sausage casing.
Welcome, Malaka, now give us your hummus recipe or you’re fired.
Wasn’t she one of the Mary Jane Girls?
Blago just said that ‘they’ want to impeach him so they can raise taxes! BASTARDS! Plus if he knew people were listening when he was trying to sell that senate seat he wouldn’t have cussed.
This guy is a bulldog.
Monsieur Grumpe:
real name… more beer please.
tunamelt: Make me dinner now, plz.
Joe the Truck Nutz: WIN.
Berlin would have hated the cutesy renditions of his excellent songs, except perhaps at the end of his life when he lost all his marbles and fell in love with Nixon. Who but Irving would have thought to end a Western with “There’s No Business Like Show Business”? Remember that he wrote for the Marx Brothers and penned some of the most memorable Fred Astaire songs. Despite the sometimes ham-handed sentiment (”God Bless America”), he was capable of some pretty droll lyrics, and there have been very few successful composers on Broadway and Hollywood who wrote lyrics — Berlin, Coward, Steven’s Schwartz and Sondheim, Cole Porter and Frank Loesser are the others. If “I Love a Piano” stinks — and it looks just brainless on video — it’s not the fault of the composer. Watch “Top Hat” with Fred and Ginger the next time it comes around on TMC and tell me he wasn’t great.
Can she explain the difference between the Oscars and the Razzberries because I’m very confused…
Hi Malaka. Don’t listen to these people as they behave like swine. They did the same thing to Sara K. on her first shout out, and now they are her abject slaves, and hang on her every word. They’re really all nice people (except for shorts) and are only like this because it’s Friday and they’re drunk.
Also, thanks for the tips on your blog re: tit enhancing through high fashion. You’re the best, and on my blog reader.
We elect one man President with a patronym that doesn’t appear on Yale’s skull and bones legacy list and now Wonkette has an intern with a name that the D.A.R. will not be able to pronounce. This is clear evidence that there is a liberal plot to complicate everyone’s names before forcing them to marry teh gay way, join unions and herd hapless old white invalids into concentration camps.
Hi, Malaka. I be da druk wun.
Malaka is a cutie!
And, she writes about fashion as well as food.
I believe we are one step closer to becoming Jezebellette or Wonkettebell.
Either way, more estrogen, so yay.
Let us mock the newcomer.
Ken Layne: the Wonkette staff box = the Ken Layne harem
We know what’s going on here.
I’m not quite sure how to take this:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=malaka
I think she might be toying with us.
wtf is up with all these cultural plans? It sounds just a bit too damn earnest. How’ bout just getting shitfaced? The thing is, nobody will ever want to get into a nuke fight with someone they bonded with by puking in the alley behind a bar. That’s why we’ve never even thought about nuking Ireland. Puke the Nuke!!!
Whats Wonkette’s next hire?
How about a sports guy?
geeze, what a bunch of rude bastards…i am, of course, so very very nice that i’m not in the least bit funny..
so what ya say Malaka…wanna be my friend?…pretty please?…nobody else here likes me and i’m getting very tired of eating my lunch by myself…
I feel like I can’t say that name without jeopardizing my shot at a Virginia senate seat.
pattycake: And she wasn’t expecting a little hazing? She has read the blog before, hasn’t she?
Are these entertainment suggestions for people who need to come down from the happiness of the inauguration? If so, well crafted.
I think the tit advice for the ladies is certainly what the world needs. But Malaka’s shoelace rules for d00ds have me frightened and confused. Not sure of the distinction between thin and thick or Converse and sneakers, I think I’ll have to stick to my Star Trek boots from here on out. Plus, they go with everything, even my furry costume. Also,
cal: So Ken Layne has become one of those Fundamentalist Mormons? That would explain the whole moving-to-a-trailer-in-the-desert thing.
Her new job will be ILLEGITIMATE AND ILLEGAL until she produces a birth certificate!
Hi, Malaka! Don’t worry, the dorkbots are just doing that little thing they like to call “freaking the mundanes.”
So how many people did you have to kill during the Abu Ghraib scandal for saying to you “Hey, Malaka, are you related to that prison? HA HA HA HA HA” or “Did you notice that that prison is almost like your last name? HA HA HA HA HA”?
You can tell us. No jury in the world would ever convict you. They needed killing.
Um, if she’s really Iranian, why doesn’t she refer to herself as Persian, HENGHH?
Pop Socket: don’t interrupt my ass-kissing. I lose my place.
New staff?! Does this mean we have to put up with more Campbell Brown staring at us and pink Wonkettes to “pay” for her “services”?
Damn you capitalizmz!
I wish I could hear Rick Warren pronounce Malaka(!)
I am so making that vegetable soup recipe.
Malaka! Malaka! Today I had an English muffin, a chicken ceasar Pita Pit, and some birthday cake. I love food. This is so cool. We are bff!
Mahousu: I just assumed it was a humorous pen name even w/o knowing the slang definition of Malalka. Sort of like a Briton who writes detective novels about mental asylums and prisons using the name Chelsea Bedlam or somesuch.
What do gay Iranians see on the internet? Ha! Trick question!
Oh, Malaka! Being a typical Wonkette commentard, I immediately checked out your Art Portfolio and the accompanying snapshot of Yerself. Anyway, thumbs up to both! Please write about food here in a snarky, political way.
Welcome, new Wonkette slave-girl, Malaka. I hope you haz funny to tell us.
Wait, I just read your blog article about Ethiopian food. Dissing injera? You are dead to me.
I had a shitty shitty bang bang that I’d just rather forget about.
Malaka Gharib? Isn’t that an Iraqi prison? Are you in trouble, Mr. Layne?
shortsshortsshorts: Since I have a muslin terrorist heritage - I have an obligation to educate my fellow soon to be hobos at wonkette. So when a name ends with an “a’, i.e Asha, Malaka, Amina, it is always a female.
Hi Malaka. Looking at your portfolio I fancy I see some Linda Barry and maybe even R. Crumb influences; perhaps a few unknown artists from Filmore/Winterland posters. This “grew up in the 60’s” zombie approves. Keep that Stoner Art coming!
Dreamer: Wait wait they let MUSLINs onto this website?
I’d hit it!
Cool, Malaka Gharib is my favorite Obama daughter.
Ken Layne: And that is how we are going to get out of this recession, one unpaid internship at a time!
Dreamer: I knew Obama was a chick.
ZombieRichardFeynman: Yeah, cool. Thanks for pointing that out, I missed it. It reminds me of the the stuff I’ve got doodled in all those old coupon notebooks they handed out in college. ( I mean that in a good way, Malaka. )
Aurelio: I found a picture of our new Wonketter finally on the web: http://www.startrek.com/imageuploads/200412/tos-001-vina-orion-slave-girl/320×240.jpg
Lionel Hutz Esq.: I remember that episode — it was really the pilot before they signed up Shatner, and they spliced him in to stretch it over two hours. That slave girl was hot, in a pudgy, 60’s sort of way.
Hi Malaka, this is my time too.
was it good for you?
Oops, my first time and a typo. wow, that’s lame.
let me try again
Hi Malak, this is my first time too.
Was it good for you?
OK, that’s weird. Someone baleeted my /b/-inspired comment. I guess even the Wonkettes has its limits…
lawrenceofthedesert: Are you another of the 10 or 20 Americans who caught Obama’s inauguration tribute to Fred Astaire and Dorothy Fields? You know, “pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off . . . ” Because you write like you should be.
Hi, Malaka!
tunamelt: I haven’t said anything here for a while, because for some [lame] reason I have had actual work (!) to do, but thank you, tunamelt, because that made my day.
Malaka Gharib is a recent graduate of Syracuse University. We all remember who also attended Syracuse, although not, I think, a grad.
The original Ms. Buttsecks; The Washingtonienne; Jessica Butler.
Allah Akbar Malaka
So, le Wonkette has decided to compete with the al-Jezeera Jezebel.
1. The veil: deep indigo or coal black? Readers’ response, with husband‘s permission.
2. Open-toed sandals, what was old is new again.
3. Raw dates, not for the Ramadan anymore.
4. Britney Spears: Western whore or cheap prostitute? Commentary.
5. Secret Sin: I once sat in the driver’s seat of a car in Yemen. (Posthumous.)
I guess that means that I am banned.
donner_froh: Jessica Cutler, of course
hey malaka. ur cute.
She doesn’t like soup. Who doesn’t like soup? Hmm. Suspicious.
Dreamer: “So when a name ends with an “a’, i.e Asha, Malaka, Amina, it is always a female.”
Osama is a girl! I knew it. Way too thin to be a dood.
Malaka my dear, first things first: What are you, 25? 30 tops? And you got 3 blogs, plus an Examiner column and the Al Jazeera thingy on the side? Slow the fuck down already! Some of us here are unemployed, lazy and good for nothing and we don’t cotton to overachievers making us look bad.
On the other hand, if you bring the funny we’ll probably forget all about your 18 jobs and that third definition of Malaka in the urban dictionary.
Finally, where is all this Iranian/Persian bunkum coming from? Malaka is Egytian/Filipino/Americano. Last I checked (actually I never really checked) they don’t speak much Farsi in any of the above. So lay off our dear Malaka!
Oh wait, you were talking about that Iranian documentary. Never mind…
Everyone, SHUT UP!!! -Im just looking for some hottie PERSIAN porn; Im really drunk & lonely and need to jerk-off to something after all those CJSOTF-A deployments…
President Beeblebrox: Me too and mine was pretty mild. This is just showing us what it’s like to comment in Iran.
MACACA!!!! Hahahaha!!!!!!
Just checked out the new slave’s Portfolio Blog…
WOW!!! So much I don’t care about, and it’s all in one place now!