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FOR THIS WE FOUGHT THE CIVIL WAR

Abe Lincoln’s Sexy Cousin Holds His Wood

Emancipate this, Bonnie!
Oh look it’s “Babe-raham Lincolon.” She is a cheerleader for the New Jersey Nets, a terrible basketball team. And she’s the actual descendant cousin of old what’s his name, the guy who wouldn’t take the Commerce Secretary job, who was born 200 years ago yesterday on the HMS Beagle. Here is Bonnie Lincoln on some local newscast, holding a piece of Abe Lincoln’s lincoln log, the end. You must click MORE to watch the Sexy Video :*(


Ugh, sorry. [MyFoxNY]


1:10 PM on Fri February 13 2009
By Ken Layne
4220 Views

  1. norbizness says at 1:03 pm, February 13th, 2009

    At least Devin Harris is going to a all-star for years to come.

  2. ifthethunderdontgetya" says at 1:05 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Fox on Fox. also.

  3. chascates says at 1:13 pm, February 13th, 2009

    They didn’t call old Abe the ‘rail splitter’ for naught.

  4. nosnikreplliw says at 1:14 pm, February 13th, 2009

    was honest abe made of wood?

  5. suchsweetthunder says at 1:15 pm, February 13th, 2009

    But Sully, 58, Air Force Academy ‘73, was shaped and formed by the old America, and educated in an ethos in which a certain style of manhood—of personhood—was held high.

    Come on Ken, that made it into the most recent Noonington column. I need my fix.

  6. Wait, wait. There’s actually a team called the New Jersey Nets?

    Upsetting.

  7. IceCreamEmpress says at 1:16 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Oh, for Christ’s sake, I have a common ancestor with Abraham Lincoln, too–his 4x great-grandfather Mordecai Lincoln. Do I think that makes me special? Not really, no.

  8. lawrenceofthedesert says at 1:19 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Isn’t she the person who wrote, “Abe Lincoln was born in a log cabin that he had built with his own hands”? Here she explains that the recommended length for a Lincoln log is “long enough to reach the ground.” Feelings of inadequacy, Mr. Douglas?

  9. Ken Layne says at 1:20 pm, February 13th, 2009

    suchsweetthunder: You will wait and you’ll like it.

  10. suchsweetthunder says at 1:21 pm, February 13th, 2009

    IceCreamEmpress: Well, you don’t have a piece of wood now do ya?

  11. snideinplainsight says at 1:21 pm, February 13th, 2009

    See, if Judge Dredd read this thread, you know what he’d say? He’d say

    I AM THE LAW.

  12. Red Zeppelin says at 1:25 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Tom Hanks also traces descent from Lincoln’s mother, and frankly he looks a bit more like Abe. The cool thing is that Lincoln’s mother, Nancy Hanks, was rumored to be of Melungeon descent. Melungeons were generally “tri-racial isolates” who possessed European, Native American, and African American ancestry. So maybe Lincoln was the first black president.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nancy_Hanks

  13. randomsausage says at 1:27 pm, February 13th, 2009

    I’d like to suspend her civil liberties for a couple of hours!

  14. V572625694 says at 1:27 pm, February 13th, 2009

    IceCreamEmpress: Lincoln was a Jew? Wow, that changes everything. Of course he did kinda dress like a Hasid.

  15. Delicious says at 1:27 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Something wrong with her colon?

  16. 4tehlulz says at 1:30 pm, February 13th, 2009

    She seems pretty experienced at touching wood.

  17. I’d like to conceive in liberty with her.

  18. The Unfairman says at 1:31 pm, February 13th, 2009

    IceCreamEmpress:

    I think you’re special.

  19. Canmon (the Inadequate) says at 1:31 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Ken Layne: Just read the Noonan piece and it is the most hilarious one yet:

    “It’s Sully and Suleman, the pilot and “Octomom,” the two great stories that are twinned with the era.”

  20. Let’s see, her family has evolved from Abe Lincoln to New Jersey Nets cheerleader.
    Darwin was wrong.

  21. Red Zeppelin says at 1:36 pm, February 13th, 2009

    FMA: And legal secretary. Don’t forget legal secretary.

  22. DoctorCulturae says at 1:37 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Ken Layne: The anticipation maketh Noonington saliva to slither down the front of my work bodkin…. Alas and alack! Forsooth she doth provoke the personhooded nobility to erupt from betwixt and betwain my calloused, stubby digits.

  23. El Pinche says at 1:41 pm, February 13th, 2009

    LINCOLN REAGAN LINCOLN REAGAN LINCOLN REAGAN LINCOLN REAGAN LINCOLN REAGAN LINCOLN REAGAN LINCOLN REAGAN LINCOLN REAGAN LINCOLN REAGAN LINCOLN REAGAN LINCOLN REAGAN LINCOLN REAGAN LINCOLN REAGAN LINCOLN REAGAN !!!1!!!

  24. Come here a minute says at 1:42 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Just a day earlier, then-Transportation Secretary Mary Peters said in a speech that the absence of fatalities for two consecutive years, 2007 and 2008, marked the first such streak since U.S. airlines started using jets in the 1950s.

    This must be the wood Mary Peters forgot to knock on. Heh–merry peters, wood. Ugh. Time to drink yet?

  25. Serolf Divad says at 1:44 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Count on Fox to find some hot blond chick for any role in any piece they’re doing.

    Next on Fox: A hot blond chick who lives on the route of yesterday’s schoolbus shooting tells us what it was like to learn that there was a shooting on a schoolbus that passes by her house every morning a half hour after she’s left home to get to her waitressing job.

  26. mylesfromnowhere says at 1:49 pm, February 13th, 2009

    If the camera angle was a little different and she uncrossed those thighs, I’d have seen the Lincoln tunnel.

  27. Serolf Divad: WIN.

    Rachel Maddow should bleach her hair some day, just to prove the point…

  28. NunnaTheSOBs says at 1:49 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Anybody who doesn’t believe in evolution
    take a look at the babe, then take a look
    a Abe.

    Ain’t science wonderful.

  29. freakishlystrong says at 1:50 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Ken said “Lincoln Log” heeeeenggghhh….

  30. snideinplainsight says at 1:52 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Oh come on already, I want to bop her Nooningham around like a pinata! Her whole sad, doe-y eyed “We know things are bad. We hunker down. We see the shuttered Jill Sanders shop!” Wonkette, don’t make me wait!

  31. snideinplainsight says at 1:55 pm, February 13th, 2009

    I’m hunkering! I’m hunkering!

  32. shanemacgowan says at 1:58 pm, February 13th, 2009
  33. Vewol Mevemont says at 2:06 pm, February 13th, 2009

    If the anchorwoman and the cheerleader switched outfits no one would miss a beat.

  34. NoNewKidontheBlock says at 2:07 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Nice racks…. NEXT !

  35. PAbitter says at 2:08 pm, February 13th, 2009

    suchsweetthunder: Of course, I don’t think anything will ever top the Inauguration column. That was one of the best pieces I’ve ever read. It single-handedly secured Wonkette’s place in the Library of Congress digital archives.

  36. Actually, I kind of liked her. And for a Jersey girl, she did a pretty good job of not saying, I got this here fuckin’ piece of, ya know, the tree stuff–wood, offa Lincoln’s fuckin’ cabin.

  37. Nice boots, Bonnie.

  38. gjdodger says at 2:12 pm, February 13th, 2009

    “Four whore diamonds and seven years ago…”

  39. Lionel Hutz Esq. says at 2:13 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Just imagine how popular Abe would have been if he had dyed his hair blond.

  40. I’m sure he’s quite proud of you, Bonnie. *stifles laughter*

  41. There is a strange “Borat” aspect to all this. Sexytime….

  42. sanantonerose says at 2:24 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

  43. chascates says at 2:24 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Dame Judith seems to like the quietness brought on by the economic apocalypse. Things are more quiet, less traffic, more genteel.
    Also, old school Sully better than womb warrior Suleman.
    But weren’t the Repugs big on big families? As long as they’re white and Christian, of course.

  44. SayItWithWookies says at 2:25 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Nice piece of Abe’s original log cabin. I’ll trade her for a piece of the True Cross passed down from my Roman ancestors.

  45. Anonymous Office Zombie says at 2:43 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Did they say, Body Lincoln? I distinctly heard him introduced her as Body Lincoln.

    Also, it seems the anchor woman thinks her co-host is kind of a dick… probably because he is.

  46. ocgabacho says at 2:50 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Love the disco survival boots.

  47. Ahahaha, no, she’s cute and has a nice smile. Also, nice boots. What was I thinking? Forgot. Never mind.

  48. librarianbutnotanerd says at 2:55 pm, February 13th, 2009

    … Who’s dumber, the newsbim or the baseketballbim? …

  49. IceCreamEmpress says at 3:17 pm, February 13th, 2009

    LINCOLN AND SUCH AS…

  50. Female host: “Let’s root for the home team, you absolute ASS.”

    Haha.

  51. Her proudest achievement is “Making the Nets Dancers!”
    Words to Live By: “I trust that everything happens for a reason, even when we’re not wise enough to see it.” Oprah’s Second Inaugural Address.

    I guess maybe not-so-intelligent design wins.

  52. This is Fox News’ idea of investigative reporting. “We investigated this Nets cheerleader and found out that she had the same last name as one of them olde-timey presdents, so we asked her if she was a direct descendent of Abe Lincoln and she said, ‘no, I am a cousin.’ But that’s too confusing for our viewers so we’ll call her a descendent.. By the way, you can buy Nets tickets on our website.”

  53. thefrontpage says at 6:59 pm, February 13th, 2009

    I’d like to “forescore” with her!

    Sorry.

  54. thefrontpage says at 7:00 pm, February 13th, 2009

    Why do all these local news shows appear so stupid?

    But the Lincoln girl is hot!

  55. Vartan84 says at 7:10 pm, February 13th, 2009

    They need to stop calling her a descendant. Lincoln’s last descendant died in 1985 and there were never many of them. People who don’t know much about genealogy don’t realize it, but if you go back to the 17th century like she does almost EVERYONE is related. Seriously, thanks to 17th century ties at least half our presidents have been each other’s cousin closer than Bonnie is to Lincoln, not just talking about TR and FDR (who were actually 5th cousins so not exactly close). That she has the Lincoln last name is just a fluke of being in the male line and makes you no closer than the literally millions who can do the same thing. The fact that even Obama and Dick Cheney are related thanks to 16th century English ancestors is proof that almost anyone with ancestors in America for over a hundred years can almost be guaranteed to connect to billions of people. In our American mythology we hold things like having ancestors who came over on the Mayflower as a sign of true special greatness, when in fact at least a full 1/4 of the U.S. population are estimated to have a Mayflower ancestor (and usually multiple). If it wasn’t for all the immigration over the centuries the entire country would be related closer than Bonnie is to Abe, and even then the immigrants eventually intermarry with longer-term Americans and we get an African-Kenyan-American first black President who also happens to have Mayflower ancestors. What’s even crazier is there are an estimated couple million of people in CHINA who have Mayflower ancestors because when those New England traders set-up business in China in the 1840s that’s not all they set up. They left pregnant Chinese women in their wake whose kids were raised as typical Chinese, except they were actually half American and now 150 years later they have numerous descendants who don’t even know they have Mayflower ancestors. It starts to get truly bizarre when you think about it.

    At least she admitted they are cousins, as opposed to direct descendant like EVERYONE decides to say just because it sounds more special. After watching the video I don’t dislike her as much as I thought based on the way she’s been touted around so ignorantly as Lincoln’s direct descendant and close buddy. She’s not the one lying (though was it her idea to tout herself in the press like this?), its all the ignorant tv people who think it is amazing Abe’s (”…cousin? So he’s like her ancestor right? I don’t know what that words me, I guess that means she has to be his great-great-granddaughter or something right? Quick put this on tv before we do any research into what we are saying”) has suddenly showed up as an NBA basketball dancer.

  56. She’s right, guys, having a piece of wood bark does prove you’re related to Abraham Lincoln. How would a non-Lincoln ever obtain a piece of wood bark?

  57. GreenHalo says at 4:38 am, February 14th, 2009

    1) GOP voters stop watching FoxBabes, become Rachel Maddow freaks.
    1a) No, really. This happens. Long legs, short skirts, directors’ chairs — who needs ‘em.
    2) Flying “Mr Fusion” cars, powered by banana peels and beer cans, save General Motors.
    3) That Mossad ballet guy starts earning his rep, or goes away.
    4) ????
    5) Barry doesn’t mortally wound 2010 and finish the Carterization in 2012.
    6) The continual rise in profit for the oligarchs magically vanishes; see #5.

    I — I don’t wanna be an Independent anymore. I… wanna be a Democrat. (Sob.)

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