Wonkette
Sunday, June 28, 12:53 PM – Associate editor Jim Newell is in bed sound asleep, dreaming of all the wonderful television he will watch when he awakens. Meanwhile, responsible adult and food connoisseur Arielle Fleisher is exactly where she is supposed to be, waiting patiently at Pennsylvania and 14th NW for at least one of her male colleagues to show up. And at the other end of the city, smug Intern Riley — convinced he is the first to arrive — sits on some bench at Pennsylvania and 14th SE, and passes the time with a casual game of pocket pool.
Yes, it was a predictable beginning for Wonkette’s field trip to Safeway’s National Capital Barbecue Battle.
And what was Arielle doing as yours truly hiked the entire hypotenuse of the city, the Bataan Death March for shamed interns? She claims to have been eating kilos of Kettle Corn and maybe half of a barbecued pig. Arielle is a very bad Jew. Doesn’t she know that Kettle Corn isn’t kosher? Sweet and sour Moses, what other unspeakable acts of heinous impiety did she commit at this barbecue free-for-all? She refuses to say, but the photographs she took leave little to the imagination. Prepare yourself.
12:55 PM - Arielle begins to feast on free samples. This is not Kettle Corn, so it must be pork.
12:58 PM – Arielle decides the Washington Post has the worst barbecue by far.
1:10 PM – There is something suspicious about the free fresh fruit at the Washington Post booth. Arielle seeks out more Kettle Corn.
1:20 PM – Arielle starts to crash from her Kettle Corn bender, and takes solace in elaborate fantasies about pulled pork.
1:25 PM – Bored senseless, Arielle wanders aimlessly. In her mind she begins to rewrite Jane Eyre, from the perspective of Rochester’s methamphetamine dealer.
1:35 PM – Well look who decided to show up, and only 40 minutes late, too… Glad to see Ken finally stapled that dumb hat to his little intern scalp.
1:45 PM — SPOILER ALERT: Super Sham Wow took home the gold in every category.
4:05 PM – Jim has to take a really big pee and manages to crawl out of bed just in the nick of time! The End.
Uh, Riley, do you just walk around in that hat all the time? Are you that guy?
Wow Washington Post. That’s no way to treat Eugene Robinson.
Jim could have saved some time peeing by just using the Sham Wow.
Pre packaged Apple slices? US Americans too lazy to eat an apple? Also.
Are inflatable pig idols against the Qu’ran?
There is something suspicious about the free fresh fruit at the Washington Post booth.
It’s fucking apple slices in a plastic bag. Note to would be purveyors of healthy apple snacks. Apples come in a durable and efficient wrapper, right of the the tree. It’s called ‘apple skin,’ keeps the product fresh for weeks, or even up to a year, with proper refrigeration.
Unbelieveably, your jacket bothers me more than the hat.
NoWireHangers: You didn’t get the staple comment?
As for the kettle corn, did you see Dennis Kucinich near the stand? He loves kettle corn, and once described it as “one of the essential food groups” while giving handfuls of it out to me and my dirty hippie friends in Ohio. I doubt he’d be interested in the pork, however, but for different reasons than his colleague Jeff Flake.
Wagga what? Wagga who?
Potater: Now that Harold Koh has been confirmed, we should be living under Shariah law in no time and we’ll find out.
NoWireHangers: Based on pictures posted here, I sort of feel like I would remorselessly punch Riley in the face if we were ever in the same room (if I were not currently on probation).
Potater: YES.
Riley looks like the Willy Wonka of pork. Was the pink Sting sweatshirt in the hamper?
Missed a day of weiners and buns. Newell must be kicking himself.
Crab1: I feel the same way, for some reason. Must be that damn hat.
Brendan M.: The staple comment was a cheap attempt to pass the buck.
Crab1: That’s the right response.
NoWireHangers: Yes and yes.
One track fucking mind i have thought the headline read “bareback pork orgy”
Crab1: InsidiousTuna: Careful, boys. Riley may be a smug preppie private school elitist in a goofy hat, but he’s our smug preppie private school elitist in a goofy hat.
The sinister & creepy hat again. Well, points to Riley for wearing the faggy magician’s hat in public, a form of abstract punishment for mumbling “who will rid me of this troublesome Layne?” And “a horse, my kingdom for a horse.”
Lascauxcaveman: I was Wonkette’s smug preppy private-school elitist first, though. And I don’t have a big dumb hat like Riley does.
I feel so badly for East Coasters, who have to eat plastic food. Sorry you peoples. It does not look promising for you.