Wonkette

Tuesday, February 23: That Obama, he’s not trying to protect America from terrorism, why would he do that? Democrats don’t believe in safety, nor do they worship torture rock-star John Yoo, and this is very problematic. They want everyone to die a horrible death from a terrorist attack, because this is how Socialism works. Such is your weekly fear mongering event from the Heritage Foundation. [Heritage Foundation] MORE »

Saturday, February 20: Remember that time when Obama was just so special and was gonna flex his Change-muscle and fix America? Get back to that time — when he was better than Jeebus, Sarah Palin was taking walks to Russia, and we had several shreds of faith in government — by seeing the film Marching Band. It looks at Obama’s rise to the presidency, seen though the eyes of two college marching bands in Virginia. [Lincoln Theater] MORE »

Some trends are very bad. Like the fact that Democrats keep dying, no one has a job, and CPAC attendees are scary advocates of death and massive orgies with Stephen Baldwin. These are bad trends. But, we DO like this new do-it-yourself salad trend that is taking over the District. Why? Because 1) not everyone can have a garden like Michelle Obama, tended to by underprivileged kids shipped in from Anacostia, 2) pricing people out of healthy food is the American way, and 3) Mixt Greens actually makes a damn good, healthy organic salad (out of recycled materials). MORE »

Olympics: The Winter Olympics are in full force, but no one seems to appreciate ever since that nice Georgian Luger died, in a sport. If you feel some patriotic desire (be it for America or Georgia) to watch the games, head to Asia Nine where any of the lounge’s bar snacks are only a buck while the Olympics are on. Or, you may be better off just learning how to curl. [Asia Nine] MORE »

The ancient celebration of boobs, beads, and booze affectionately referred to as “Fat Tuesday” is TODAY. What’s supposed to be the last night of eating rich, fatty foods before the Lent fast begins is in reality yet another excuse for people of all denominations to imbibe, with the added bonus of boobs and beads. And considering all the upstanding folks who call the District home, we anticipate that ample amounts of drinking and debauchery will occur this evening. MORE »

Wednesday, February 17: Rebuilding Haiti is extremely important, which is why the country just needs a Super Bowl. It will hands-down fix everything. The Brookings Institution discusses options for how best to rebuild the country, options which really should include building a Superdome and starting a professional football league. [Brookings Institution] MORE »

Saturday, February 13: Somehow, running in your underwear around the Capitol in the freezing cold on Saturday will cure kids of their cancerous tumors. At least this is the premise for “Cupid’s Undie Run,” which starts at the Pourhouse at noon on Saturday. Registration is $25. [Cupid's Undie Run] MORE »

It snowed again, and it snowed a lot. And this time, not only did everyone have plenty of toilet paper and cookies, but everyone also got mad at Mayor Fenty for not cleaning up the streets. Well, except for folks who work for the federal government, that is, because work was canceled for the fourth day in a row. Huzzah! The city is now back to normal (?), but will be rendered helpless once again by a new snow storm coming on Monday. Can’t. Wait. MORE »

Right, so there’s a blizzard happening right now and the possibility of the city crumbling under the storm is very, very likely. All praise OPM and its fine ability to keep the government closed. Well done! The Washington Post breaks down everywhere you cannot go today because of this pesky little storm. But it will stop, your car will come out from that pile of snow and enjoying DC without the possibility of death will once again be possible, maybe. MORE »

Neither snow nor sleet, nor more snow and sleet, can stop what is coming this Sunday: Valentine’s Day. BLAH BLAH BLAH, you either love Valentine’s Day because you’re happy and in love, or its mere presence makes you want to slit your wrists. (Or you don’t care.) Well, whether you’re single, in a relationship or cheating on your partner, there are plenty of things to do in DC to celebrate this (happy? sad? pointless?) day. MORE »

It snowed. It snowed a lot. But everyone had plenty of toilet paper and kale, and everyone survived the storm in peace and happiness. Sure, some people’s cars got stuck on hills, and some people got stuck in basement apartments, and the storm pretty much rendered the entire city helpless, but it snowed, and that was fun. MORE »

Saturday, February 6 through Sunday February 7: Fact: DC has a festival of short films, and the winners from said festival will be screened tonight and tomorrow night as part of the “Best of the Fest” — that is, assuming the snow doesn’t render living impossible this weekend. (Actually, the festival will go on as long as Metro is “open.”) [Best of the Fest] MORE »

In just three days, the Colts will take on the Saints in the Super Bowl, America’s best (only?) cultural product, even though it really should be a conquest between the Chargers and the Saints so that your Wonkabout could have won her pool and become a millionaire… But regardless, get excited for some homoerotic fun and teevee commercials that will reminds us to never, ever have an abortion: because all of God’s children grow up to be rich football stars who will never understand what it’s really like to risk death during childbirth, or to rear a child as a working-class single mother.  MORE »